Baby Stowaway

Oh Baby Stowaway, it would appear you are getting the shaft in updates, pictures,  and plans compared to your siblings. We find out who you are this week (yes! already!? How did that happen so fast?) so I'm sure things will become more real to your mom and dad...esp your mom.

The truth is that I think about this baby all the time...how could I not? I felt like death for weeks at a time, my stomach popped out like I was having twins again and I still keep having to tell myself that we're going to have another one...up here, in Ohio. I found out I was pregnant in Raleigh right before we moved...my first words were "oh no." I have cried and cried about that and asked for forgiveness so many times. Shame, shame on me. But all that went through my head was baby, Ohio, miscarriage, no family or friends, snow, and what will people think? My body had just healed from our miscarriage in January and come on, you can't forget that it took us years of trying to have Caden and Jenna....how did this happen? Ryan was in Mexico that week so we had hardly any communication, the one time he got signal from a phone, I broke some heavy news to him :) He hid his shock pretty well by trying to calm me down and reassuring me this was a modern day miracle and who cares what other people thought - it was never "our" timeline anyway! God bless him.

After I calmed down enough to accept what was happening, my test results came back from my Doctor that things were headed downhill fast. So add being "homeless", my husband 500 miles away trying to find a house for us, me starting to feel funny and ...sick?...and now worry about miscarrying this secret baby all adds up to crazy stress. Nevertheless, we made it up here where I could stop sucking in and let this baby all hang out. whew! If we are to see God's goodness in everything...who else gets to be huge and pregnant at 8 weeks and walk around with no one analyzing or asking questions? We didn't know a soul up here so they didn't care! haha Anyway, then came the death sickness - and who gets to hide being that sick from everyone for weeks at at time? Their ARE advantages to not knowing anyone...who knew? :) God bless Ryan again. It was alot for both of us to take in - how am I this sick with one baby (we had confirmed like 4 times - ONE baby this time!), and never sick a moment with the twins? I spent most evenings - for weeks at a time -barely getting supper on the table, forcing down what I could then running to the couch before I upchucked everything. I couldn't even sit up to read to the kids or play with them. I'm not kidding when I say NOTHING got done around the half unpacked house. ugh.

I have just now started thinking about things in terms of them happening. Maybe that shows a weak faith, but I haven't let myself get excited about things, thought about names or any of that. Each appointment gives me a bit more confidence and I'm sure once we can say "her" or "him" and get around all our friends and family in NC, that I'll be looking forward again.

Despite our rough start, God has been very gracious! So far we have a healthy mom and baby, and  have 5 minute, normal doctor appointments - very new experience! I'm 18 weeks on Friday and have been in maternity clothes since 10 weeks easily. I've gained 8 lbs, been able to exercise on my birthday present (elliptical) this pregnancy, and have the horrible head cold thing going on again. With the twins it lasted 4-5 weeks, this pregnancy has been about double the time - up to 8 weeks now. Sleeping good is gone - my back kills me at night - and I have the same "dot" of sharp pain on my right side if I walk too much. So funny how different the pregnancies have been!

I felt the baby move at 16 weeks but told myself it probably wasn't the baby. Knowing me, I would start doing those stupid "kick counts" and worry myself to death. So, I've explained it away, but starting last week, it is definitely the baby. We have an active one in there! At my appointment last week, she had the hardest time keeping the heartbeat in the machine long enough to record it. She was all over my belly trying to keep up with the rascal!

Alot of people ask us about names: we had two girl names picked out in case we had twin girls...so we still have that name that we both like alot. I have a boy name that I'm in love with... had to get Ryan slowly on board with it, but he picked a middle name that I like so I think that helped win him over ? :)  Couldn't find a name that means "stowaway" haha. Anyway, we will see on Friday...nothing seems in stone for me yet.

And the other question I get all of the time now is "are you done?" Well, we are the poster children for knowing that God makes that call, not us, huh? I've said it before and mean every word: we both want every child God has for us...so we are praying very deeply this whole pregnancy about that. I already feel very different this time about more children than I did with the twins. After the twins I knew I wanted more, God had that desire in my heart and didn't take it away. This time, already, I feel God has taken that desire away by current means :) Meaning, no more children by me! God was miraculous in choosing to heal my body to conceive naturally. I'm forever thankful I got to experience that healing and power. But for whatever reason, He so far has chosen not to heal its ability to carry a pregnancy without intervention. Only someone who has experienced similar circumstances can understand the stress of every second, analyzing every activity you do and wondering whats lurking around the corner after having a miscarriage - no matter how many you have experienced!While He is taking away the desire for biological children, He is keeping the tingling of adoption alive and well in both Ryan and me. So we have committed to pray deeply throughout this pregnancy that God makes it clear to us in our hearts about the future. After all....we have seen now twice... God didn't just heal things, he apparently supercharged things! haha oh my, so funny.

We are set, thanks to the twins, for a boy or a girl. We might have to borrow a few more things if it is a boy because somehow we ended up borrowing more boy stuff than girl? We had great neighbors in NC who let me use anything they had! Obviously, truly, I just want a healthy baby in there, no matter to me what it is! If I had to pick right now, I'm going to say it's a girl...that's been my little inkling all along so we will see! What's your pick? boy or girl? We find out soon!!!!