A Year Ago Today...

I've been thinking about today alot lately....Feb 17th. A year ago today is when we went into the Fertility Clinic for our IUI procedure. I was desperately clinging to a thin string of hope that this might work. If it didn't, we were at the end of our treatment road for the time being. Earlier this week, me and Ryan were remembering back to last Valentine's Day...Ryan having to give me all of my shots and me having to take a zillion pills to prepare my body for the procedure on the 17th. I've also been thinking about how a year ago, I would have hated reading this blog. One of the things (oh there were many!) that I struggled with God about was not that He hadn't given us a child yet, but that He allowed seemingly everyone else in my personal universe to be blessed with children! Each announcement sent me whirling into a selfish depression. God gave me many "opportunities" to turn my eyes away from myself and rejoice in His blessings and creations in others, but I in turn allowed the Devil to steal my joy and listened to his lies. So many people tried to encourage me and share their story of God's faithfulness in their trial, but my response was always shallow and hardened: "They have their baby now", I would tell Ryan. Somehow in my deceived brain, that made them incompatible to understand what I felt since they had been granted what they asked for now....I didn't have a guarantee that we would have children, I didn't know if a little baby was in God's plan for us. And even if they did go through some of the same treatments and struggles, some of them had never lost a baby to understand that compounded hurt. I even fought with Ryan because I didn't give him credit for understanding what I was feeling and going through. Ugh, what horrible, lonely place to be. The last thing I would have enjoyed doing is reading someones blog of their love and every day joy for their baby.

So that brings me to this: I've kept this blog public so far hoping that God has placed it in someones life that resembles what mine did not too long ago. I followed several blogs of women who were struggling with infertility (all of whom ironically got pregnant before we did...thus another dagger in the heart with each "announcement." How selfish! I should have been thrilled for them since many of them had been struggling much longer than we had. Instead I thought to myself "even the infertile women are getting pregnant around me!") I'm so thankful for God's mercies...new every morning!

So I won't start rattling out cliche's that everyone has heard before, I'll just say a few things:

1- I desperately clung to Psalm 27:13-14: " I remain confident of this: I will see the goodness of the LORD in the land of the living. Wait for the Lord; be strong and take heart and wait for the Lord."

2- I kept this verse on a note card in my purse at all times: Jeremiah 32:40a- "I will make an everlasting covenant with them that I will not turn away from them, to do them good..."

3- Healing began when I realized that God understood every aspect of feeling I had. God hurt and grieved with me. Isa 63:9 says " in all their affliction He was afflicted...in His love and in His pity He redeemed them; He bore them and carried them."

4- I read an eye opening chapter in a book talking about John 11 and the story of Jesus and Lazarus. John 11:44 says " Take off the grave clothes...and let him go." The writer talked about grave clothes and how different they look on all of us. Here is what I kept on my note card to pull me out of the dark days: My grave clothes keep me from joy, peace, happiness and total release from the pain/disappointment/frustration / {insert your problem here}. Don't become accustomed to the bindings and settle for less than God has intended for me. I want everything God has for me! Galatians 5:1 - "It is for freedom that Christ has set us FREE. Stand firm and do not let yourselves be burdened again by a yoke of slaves."

A year ago today was quite the uncomfortable day physically, yet represented a healing I never comprehended. Our two little miracles were forming and God was healing my brokenness, my selfishness, my anger, my marriage, my joy...my everything really! I'm so oober thankful for the difference a year can make, I'm thankful Gods ways are higher than mine, I'm thankful that His plan DID include children for us, I'm thankful He blessed us even though I miserably failed my test in trusting Him, I'm thankful for a faithful husband and I'm so thankful for Caden and Jenna.

I don't know how I would have responded if God's plan did not include children. I imagine how I hope I would have responded, but given my 2 year test, I don't have much confidence in my imaginary response. :( God has been gracious so I will take the opportunities He gives us to point others toward Him and glorify His work in our lives. So if your struggling with anything, infertility specifically, then I can tell you that from this side, I understand His timing is perfect, His plan is better than you can dream and He understands how you feel. No, of course I did not fully believe this all the time when I was going through our trial, but mark us down as one more example of God's sovereignty and grace.

Last, anything I'm trying to say is summed up beautifully in a song by Josh Wilson. Its called "Before the Morning." It is a wonderful way to remember the Lords promise "sorrow may last for the night, but JOY comes in the morning!"

Do you wonder why you have to,
feel the things that hurt you,
if there's a God who loves you,
where is He now?

Maybe, there are things you can't see
and all those things are happening
to bring a better ending
some day, some how, you'll see, you'll see

Chorus:
Would dare you, would you dare, to believe,
that you still have a reason to sing,
'cause the pain you've been feeling,
can't compare to the joy that's coming

so hold on, you got to wait for the light
press on, just fight the good fight
because the pain you've been feeling,
it's just the dark before the morning

My friend, you know how this all ends
and you know where you're going,
you just don't know how you get there
so just say a prayer.
and hold on, cause there's good who love God,
life is not a snapshot, it might take a little time,
but you'll see the bigger picture

Would dare you, would you dare, to believe,
that you still have a reason to sing,
'cause the pain you've been feeling,
can't compare to the joy that's coming

so hold on, you got to wait for the light
press on, just fight the good fight
because the pain you've been feeling,
it's just the dark before the morning
yeah, yeah,
before the morning,
yeah, yeah

Once you feel the way of glory,
all your pain will fade to memory
once you feel the way of glory,
all your pain will fade to memory
memory, memory, yeah

Would dare you, would you dare, to believe,
that you still have a reason to sing,
'cause the pain you've been feeling,
can't compare to the joy that's coming

Would dare you, would you dare, to believe,
that you still have a reason to sing,
'cause the pain you've been feeling,
can't compare to the joy that's coming

We are living our "morning" as the song says and can speak to the power of God's grace. In the car leaving the clinic the morning we found out there were TWO babies growing inside, I looked to Ryan and told him I was already beginning to forget the pain from the past 2 years. Whatever your trial is today..."all your pain will fade to memory."


Psalm 126:3 - "The Lord has done great things for us, and we are filled with joy."